Oh yes, you mustn't let him die too soon. That would be to ruin the experience entirely! That's the way, cover him gradually with small incisions — I want him to feel that he is dying! Ah what an ecstasy of sorrow, what a symphony of heart-rending pain! Oh noble Senator, I applaud you for your performance! I had no idea you had such – musical – talents, so exquisitely pleasing to the ear! Guardsman, I can control myself no longer! I swear I will faint with pleasure if he keeps this up... Oh cut out his tongue! Yes, do it — and throw it here! I must have it upon me as those delicious shrieks transform themselves into gasping frothy gurgles... yes, man: throw it here! By Bacchus, what utter delight! And what adequate proof of my divinity: for no mortal could be capable of such ecstasies as the heights these bring me to! Yes, mine is a divine and heavenly, utterly exalted, experience.

Senators! Or, those of you still living. Gather around, and do not mind your dead comrades! Indeed, if they cause some semblance of mourning within you, console yourself that you shan't be separated for long. Yes, I promise you, my dear and noble Senate, I will not deprive you of each other's company for any significant length of time! And your reverend friends will still be waiting on the banks of that infernal River by the time you shall be there to greet them in person. No doubt you will share fond memories of serving in the Senate of the great Caligula! Gentlemen, silence is very becoming of you. If only you'd apply this stratagem in the Councils of State, how much the State would benefit! Now, men, I have a serious issue to discuss: the imperial brothel is not yielding the necessary funds to sustain my grandiose empire! What have you to say for yourselves? Shame on you all!

Silence! Did I ask for your input in this matter? No! – I merely said we will discuss it. Meaning, of course, that I – the Divine Caligula – will bestow on you a wise and upright edict which you will joyously comply with. Now, being a God, I didn't have to think about this problem very much before deducing its various causes and most equitable solution. It is apparent, Senators, that the fault lies with you... Silence! Guards, take that man and flog him until he passes out! Ah, now that we have restored order to the chamber... It has become apparent that you, my noble Senators, are not pulling your weight! Yes, you have dedicated your wives to the service of my brothel – and you all well know that was only the right thing to do – but more is required! Your wives, they fuck like virgins! My clients complain, and how does that reflect on me? Men, the dignity of the Imperial office is at stake!......

Ah, Caesonia, my own sweet and treasured wife! How are you? And how is our baby girl? Oh that's marvellous! Well he should have been more careful! Only the other day I heard she bit a poor child's ear off! Of course I had his parents thoroughly flogged for the incident. I'm just so happy she's taking to the courageous ways of her father! Perhaps Rome shall have an Empress one day, huh? How would you like that, Senators? Ah don't mind them, they seem to have been stricken for the most part with a bout of the profoundest silence. And all, it would seem, because I just recently had that man's tongue cut out! Feel, it is still warm!... no? perhaps another time then. Now do you know what myself and my noble colleagues were just discussing? It seems their wives are not acting their part up to the standards of the fine customers of our whorehouse! I was just about to impose my edict......

Please, Chaerea, you degenerate mutilated eunuch. The Games can wait for the Divine Caligula, can they not? Indeed, can We be late to Our own Games? Besides, the gladiators fight with more frantic zeal, I find, when kept waiting long periods of time before their performance. Give the command to the Guards to wait for me, tell them I'm attending to important state business. Oh and if anyone presumes to leave the stadium before my arrival, have them beheaded immediately! One more thing, Prefect! The watchword for today shall be... 'Priapus'! Ha ha ha! Something you could do with, poor Chaerea. Off you go then! Now where were we? Ah yes! All of you owe a duty to the State and your Emperor to inculcate some skill into your wives! Very few men like their whores priggishly inert... why, if that were the case we'd only fuck our wives! No, you all must bring them up to standard!

Now off to the Games! You there, dispose of those bodies, I don't care how. Attendants! – We're on the move. Oh my beautiful wife, I shan't be long. Send my love to our daughter and let her know her father congratulates her on her recent escapade. To your positions, Senators! My carriage will not pull itself! I wonder what decadent spectacle awaits us today. If only there were more elephants to slaughter, it seems our imports are drying up. I fear the same may be said of those magnificent beasts they call the Giraffe. What an exquisitely exotic creature! Secretary, make note: we are to increase imports of both those animals mentioned, regardless of the cost. We'll have the animals of Africa fighting the savage barbarians of the Germanic frontier! Ah what a show that will be... are you getting this all down? And also, we must find out how my statue is progressing in the Temple of the Jews.......

What is the meaning of this? Chaerea, get out of our way, the carriage cannot pass through! Oh, I suppose I should go down and see what they want... probably another conspiracy has been uncovered... to tell you the truth, I used to relish a good conspiracy, but then I realised I didn't even need an excuse to have a man slain – I could do it at will and with total impunity! It was then I realised I must be of more than mortal substance... and is there any man who can excel me in my cruelty and the joy it produces? If so, bring him before me and we'll settle the dispute in a fair and very appropriate manner! Ha ha! Oh Prefect, why the roadblock? Is something amiss? What conspiracy is it now that... The watchword? 'Priapus'! Now explain yourself for this insolence you..... Ahh, you dare strike a God? I'll have you... Argh! Men, protect me from this traitor... Men? I am immortal! You cannot slay me, I live! I live! I li......